“It’s answers, pals!” read the original draft for this post. And how different from that original draft this finished version will be. Because pals, it’s answers! Yes, it’s time to find out exactly what those thirty five mysterious and not-particularly-informative titles of long-forgotten TV shows that you probably weren’t that interested in to begin with (apart from Hey, It’s My Birthday Too!) were actually all about, and indeed to find out the identity of the winner of the coveted title of Out On Blue Six TV That Time Forgot Quiz Champion Of Champions 2012 (LOGO)!
How Do You Do!
Carmen Monroe-led proto-multicultural ‘pre-school’ interactivity-activity-jamboree
Four On The Floor
‘Nerd’-festooned Kids In The Hall-prefiguring Canuck sketch show lateralism
The Top Hat Rabbits
Headgear-dwelling Eastern Bloc-animated Briers-translated leporine employment-hunters backed by maddeningly unceasing electric piano motif
Sticks And Stones
Caledonia-situated heavy-handed allegorical racism-broaching CBBC one-off with customary ‘frank’ language
Skip & Fuffy
Swap Shop-bookended post-Trumptonshire sub-Rushton two-handed puppet drollery from Gordon Murray
Jack Hargreaves-typecasting Tradicraft-heavy sharpening-wheel-centric afternoon filler with overliteral title sequence
‘Zen Outback’ action thriller with multi-million-decibel theme song
Play It Safe!
Jimmy Savile OBE advises on Public Information-style calamity avoidance
None-more-1986 swanky-video-effect-strewn Huey Lewis’n'Anita Baker-obsessed pop show
Minimalist oddball animated gardening-obsessed Royal with mental Derek Griffiths vocalising
Under The Same Sky
Wordless round-the-world stories narrated by The Book Tower’s Tom Baker
Multi-stranded Wide Awake Club-slot-temping TV-am quiz/soap/’bus’ hybrid overseen by ‘A. Wally’
Over The Moon
Studiobound distinguishing-feature-devoid last gasp of Watch With Mother
The Fire Raiser!
Antipodean turn-of-the-century piano-arson-centric thriller with thumping John Cale-esque theme music
Never Kiss Frogs
Sophie Aldred-narrated quirky tales of romance in extreme close-up
Curly-topped Down Under youngsters have nondescript adventures in remote fishing village
Billy’s Christmas Angels
Mint Juleps-accompanied heartwarming Yuletide yarn about stolen guitar for Tripods completists
Bullied American teens enjoy snog-fuelled day-winning to audible consternation of Phillip Schofield
Neighbours/Home & Away refugees poke fun at ’hand job’ etiquette in hope of increasing condom-sporting
Swap Shop-bookended post-Trumptonshire sub-Thackray multi-handed puppet drollery from Gordon Murray
Knock Knock [Special Bonus Round - there are actually TWO shows with this name!]
Sunday Gang-usurping songs-about-god-being-all-around overload and/or door-centric CBBC game show with Sophie Aldred almost wearing costumes
Children Of Totem Town
Post-hippy Danish schoolkids declare Mayor-opposing independence in reservation-style gambit
Ultra-minimalist storytelling from ’white void’ studio-occupying Griffiths
States Of Mind
Bowie-heralded neuroscientific chats between Jonathan Miller and Bearded Blokes
Watch With Mother youngster who wasn’t much cop at tidying up
Magisterial imported comedy drama about contest to accrue knicker tags
The Secret Of Steel City
‘It could happen!’ sci-fi grimness about ad-hoc warring Eastern Bloc states with big lasers
Hey, It’s My Birthday Too!
Youngsters sharing spurious ‘birthday’ with ITV get quacking synth-heralded greetings from avuncular continuity announcer
The Flying Kiwi
Directionless toss about vintage car
The Amazing Years Of Cinema
Inappropriately named Douglas Fairbanks ‘Junior’ watches old films of people in biplanes
BBC1 Daytime magazine show for ‘older viewer’
Ticket To Ride
Pulaski-aping Cazenvoe-driven travel show postmoderism run amok
Dear Heart-infringing Problem Page jokesmithery with stroppy sub-Altered Images theme song
Watch This Space
‘Viewer takeover’ Channel 4 experiment with much falling over in Adidas Gazelles
And the fake one, as correctly identified by just about everyone who entered, was Here’s Stilgoe. But oh how we wish it was real…
And how did everyone do? Well, falling to bottom place from their previous ranking of Out On Blue Six Telly Addicts Champion Of Champions are Garreth F. Hirons Presents Garreth F. Hirons’ Team Featuring Garreth F. Hirons (Garreth F. Hirons), who scored a grand total of zero on account of somehow contriving to submit a blank entry. One place above came ‘Kenny G’, who attained one point from offering “in ansah ta yah question, mah favorite colour is green, and skip an’ fuffy was ah gordon murray show that was a part of a swap shop, not like cwilliams1976 who was not allowed tah be on saturday morning tv, hope that helps”. ‘Phil Catterall And Pal Crow’ achieved the same score by correctly picking out Here’s Stilgoe as the ringer but then offering nothing else bar the suggestion that The Top Hat Rabbits was ‘Mac and Me’. And just above him comes Ben Baker, who despite not offering any serious answers at all, still somehow managed to chalk up three and a half points.
Next up was ‘Some Gravel’ with four points, ‘More Gravel’ with five, ’wcilliams1796′ with six, and ‘Doctor Professor Lord Sir Baron Duke Earl Chief President Marquis Viscount Archbishop The Right Honourable Reverend Justin Lewis OBE KBE PhD MSc FRHS & Bar Sit Ubu Sit [CITATION NEEDED]‘, with seven.
Then it’s a massive leap up to ‘Gordon Ridout’ with seventeen, ’Griff Rhys Answering This Quiz’ scoring nineteen, ‘The Compleat Justin Lewis (Tribute Act)’ with twenty four, and ‘Fran Hingston’s Favourite Best Pants’ with twenty eight. Edging just ahead is ‘Michael Parkinson’ with twenty nine, and finally ’Marrell Daclaine’, who as far as we know is not an episode of Brass Eye, but is the winner of the quiz, with a truly awe-inspiring thirty one points. Well done ‘Marrell’! Don’t spent it all on Meal Deals.
And coming up next? The return of Top Of The Titles, with some opening credits you won’t have seen in decades…