Back in October 2008, the world looked on aghast as BrokenTV tried out the iGoogle Blogger Widget. And while everyone was still reeling from that, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand made a rather ill-advised phone call. You could debate the rights and wrongs of people getting so ridiculously outraged over something not particularly funny that they didn’t even know about until they read about it in a newspaper until even Jean-Paul Belmondo in Pierrot le Fou was noticeably more blue in the face than usual – and to be honest nobody ever has managed to debate it any better than Charlie Brooker did – but what was never in question was how stupidly dangerous it was to allow the whole situation to escalate to the level where it became a ludicrous, and potentially damaging for everyone, political crowbar, with the complainers either willingly or brainlessly playing directly into the hands of politicians hoping to manipulate the situation to their own personal advantage. This fuelled a couple of genuinely angry outbursts on here (which let’s be honest were never likely to change anything at all, but sometimes you just have to have to shout into the wilderness regardless), as well as some obscure hoo-hah with Jake Thackray lyrics. When they provoked some quite stroppy and agressive responses, there was nothing left to do but resort to biting Week Ending-style comic lampoonery of events. And there they would have stayed, in the archives of rotten topical satire, but for the fact that recent comments from bastard-The-Fly-style-genetic-splice-of-Ricky-Gervais-and-Fatty-Fudge how-in-the-name-of-sanity-are-you-all-taken-in-by-him drivel merchant Boris Johnson about how the BBC needs a Tory Director General to counteract ‘bias’ (this would presumably be the same ‘bias’ that both Conservative AND Labour politicians routinely whine about), which were apparently fuelled by him having such a rough ride in the Mayoral election that he, erm, won it, have brought the whole weird episode to mind again. And now, sit back and enjoy some near-contextless out-of-date satire that wasn’t even that funny the first time around…
Be first with the news! Thanks to the time-bending shenanigans of one Peter Petrelli – himself about to enter the firing line over That Scene Where He Tried To Decapitate His Brother With Telekinesis – we have the full lowdown on how the pointless row about nothing that blew up when a tabloid newspaper decided to whip up a storm against an institution that they have a vested interest in undermining and a pair of presenters who have been very outspoken in their views on said tabloid in the past (including on the same show just a couple of weeks ago… coincidence?) is set to develop during the rest of this evening:
17:43pm: After it is revealed that John Barrowman is a ‘gay’, he is dragged out of Television Centre by angry license fee-payers and beaten to death with rocks, protesting to the end that “that’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever been hit with”. In a seperate incident, Ross Noble is stabbed in the face with a broken bottle by a radlicalised faction of posters to the BBC’s Have Your Say messageboard; a Police spokesman comments “well his name’s Ross, and he looks a bit like Russell Brand, so he’s only got himself to blame”.
19:02pm: Spurred on by the tabloid press, viewers begin complaining in their millions about other examples of obscenity aired on the BBC, including Mock The Week, Ghostwatch, The Singing Detective, Swizzlewick, Quatermass And The Pit, a 1989 Mary Whitehouse Experience routine about British Rail, and when a soldier swore in Threads. When pressed on why they have singled out these shows rather than, say, the bigotry and offensive portrayal of the elderly in Little Britain, or Ricky Gervais’ equally unpleasant remarks about equally entirely innocent celebrities (and non-celebrities for that matter), or why they aren’t quite so bothered about ITV and Channel 4 pretty much broadcasting live sex and violence under the guise of ‘reality TV’, or why they didn’t open their idiot mouths when a governmental stooge blamed the BBC for the death of a scientist who was hounded to it by the pressure placed on him by a government who had their own reasons for wanting to destabilise the BBC, they can only answer “RA RA LICENSE FEE”.
19:58pm: Some MPs who should really be worrying about the global economic crisis and one of their peers considering himself above investigation for blatant misuse of public money and exactly who was responsible for the mismanagement that resulted in the murder of an innocent Brazilian commuter table a motion asking why the BBC “can’t find anything decent to put on like Morecambe & Wise”. When confronted on Newsnight about the fact that they are both dead and that the former would most likely have taken a very dim view of the current proceedings anyway, Anne Widdecombe retorts that “the fact that they are dead is neither here or there – the biased BBC have had this coming for a long time!”, while David Davies forgets that everyone thinks he’s dead just long enough to say something so witless that everyone realises that they were better off when they thought he was dead. The show is then interrupted by a stage invasion by Alan Driscoll, Lead Singer Of Techno Band thewomb, who for once is taking an entirely admirable stance and we salute him for it. That’s how bad you really are, complaining masses.
20:37pm: License fee payers storm Television Centre demanding the instant dismissal of foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay. When it is pointed out to them that he is under contract to Channel 4, they reply “RA RA LICENSE FEE”.
21:00pm: The ‘Comments’ box on this post is invaded by dribbling shouty types demanding an apology from ‘this sorry writer (can’t-writer, more like! ;))’ to all license fee payers and to Andrew Sachs and his family and that all proceeds from this blog be donated to The Sendhil Ramamurthy TV’s Mohinder From Heroes Fund For Acting Lessons, dribbling shouty types saying “well said sir I agree with every word, Josie Long should be buggered to death with a copy of Frank Zappa’s You Can’t Do That On Stage Any More“, and dribbling shouty types shouting dribbleishly “RA RA LICENSE FEE”. Out On Blue Six gives up completely, muttering something about ‘was Roland Rat hit with a cricket bat in vain?’.
21:40pm: Everyone who’s ever so much as glanced at a copy of the Daily Mail on a newsagent’s shelves feels a deep shame. Well, we can dream.
22:35pm: The Grimleys is on.